I won't dive into the details of the divorce, but I will say that I was shell shocked by the numerous disclosures and left in an emotional and financial place that I was not sure how I would recover. The good news is that I had my faith to lean on... however at the time, I could not recognize how God would allow such a terrible thing to happen. "WHY GOD?", was on my lips every single day with no answer.
At the very beginning, I was able to focus on my children and take one step in front of the other. The initial few days my goal wasn't day by day, but sometimes hour by hour. The feelings of betrayal and abandonment were debilitating. After a while it was day by day, then week by week. I distinctly remember the psalm and song "Thy Word is a Lamp Unto My Feet" which was on an auto loop in my head. Every day, in the beginning of my new world, the image of being in pitch blackness all around me with a single lantern in my hand that gave me just enough light to take the next step was all I could picture. As the weeks, then months, then years rolled by, the light expanded and I was able to see more and more of the life around me.
Another saving grace was, of all things, a secular song "Home" by Phillip Phillips, the American Idol winner. I was deep in fear of being single at my age with children, and one with a disability. I couldn't wrap my head around who could ever love me and would want to take me on. I felt used and damaged. This song touched my heart when I heard it on the American Idol finale, so much so I downloaded it. Why? What is so special about it? I was singing it and enjoying the song when I heard in my head a message I believe was from God "Listen to this... THIS is now your home.... settle down, I am with you, you are not alone!" The lyrics:
Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you’re not alone
'Cause I’m going to make this place your home
Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found
Just know you’re not alone
'Cause I’m going to make this place your home
I am on the other side of this valley. I luckily found my peace little by little over time. I became grateful for my single life and could see my former married life through new opened eyes. Something a dear friend Fran told me once on a different topic "Maybe this this isn't you losing something but rather being rescued from something". Hmm, That is very profound! The last few years have had LOTS of turmoil and have NOT been at all easy, however I have clung to my faith even when it felt so very far away, I was supported by my family and friends, my village ROCKS! and I chose JOY as much as I could. I had every reason to crawl into a hole of anger and bitterness, but I don't like that place. It is miserable. Now, I have a new life that I wouldn't have thought possible all those years ago. I am thankful everyday for being right where I am on my journey. In the words of the Cursillo movement which means "Onward and upward", Ultreya!
