Again and Again and Again...

How many times can one start over?  10 times?  100 times?  1,000 time?  Does it matter how many times we begin AGAIN?  I guess it depends on who you ask, whether or not restarting is a sign of tenacity or flakiness.  I am choosing to go with tenacity.  I had a blog once upon a time when my daughter was born called DownRightFaith.  It was my journey through the waters of being a mother to a child with Down syndrome.  That was 12 years ago this week.  Wow, can it really be that long ago?

At the time I was filled with worries and questions:  How the world would accept her?  Would I love her enough? Could I be good enough for her?  How would I know what to do?   How would this impact my sons?  How would this impact my marriage?  Why does she have DS?  Why me?  I cannot say that these questions were the "right" questions to ask, or if they were even sane, however they were the things that were in my head and my heart.  My daughter was brand new to me and at this time 12 years ago I was in a swirl of uncertainty.

TWELVE YEARS AND THREE DAYS AGO, my daughter came into the world in a BIG HURRY!  I woke up with contractions at 2am and she was born before 4am.  By the time I made it to the hospital, my contractions were 1 minute apart and my mom and husband (and the late night hospital staff) were concerned that she would be born before we got to the hospital room.  Nevertheless, we made it the bed and in a grand swirl of frantic activity, Sydney came into the world!  Huzzah!!!

She was cleaned up, given and given to me to hold and nurse, then whisked away to the nursery to what I assume was to perform all the official stuff.  Unfortunately, that was the last I saw of her for a while.  Reports came back about oxygen levels being too low, multiple holes in her heart, pulmonary hypertension, etc.  The reports just escalated each time; she was put in an oxygen bubble, then moved to the NICU level 1, then NICU Level II.  Needless to say, my already hormonal and exhausted self was worried, scared and just wanted to see and hold my baby and know she would be ok!  After I was fully taken care of and allowed to wander to the NICU, my heart sank to see my sweet baby girl in a bed with tubes, wires and lots of machines making a cacophony of noises. (including the machine that goes BING!)   It is hard to describe that moment of  seeing her like that.  My knees practically buckled, I felt faint, and my heart squeezed and my stomach wrenched.  It was like someone pulling my soul out through my chest. 

Having said that, it was truly amazing to me that our new situation was quickly normalized and the fear dissipated. She was a tough girl and has been from the very beginning! After two weeks in the NICU, we were sent home with some oxygen tanks and we got on with our lives. 

This was how life with Sydney started.  It was a scary step into the unknown and has been an amazing roller coaster of a journey.  I often describe her as "fiercely independent" and I have come to learn that she gets that from me.  Apparently, I can be stubborn (what?), I prefer determined!  So, having said that, I am determined to START AGAIN and see where this leads.  Even if this is never read, I am starting again.... this time "FOR ME".

Looking back at the valley behind me...

I am welcoming myself back to blogging.  I feel like a renewed spirit.  It has been 5 1/2 years since I stopped blogging.  My life took a very unexpected turn with a divorce right on the heels of my 40th birthday.  It was a crushing introduction to my forties, one of which I would have never chosen.  It took the wind out of my sails and set me into a long valley that I am very glad to be settled on the other side.   I stopped blogging because I didn't want to articulate the misery I was in.  I followed the old adage "If you don't have anything nice to say..."

I won't dive into the details of the divorce, but I will say that I was shell shocked by the numerous disclosures and left in an emotional and financial place that I was not sure how I would recover.  The good news is that I had my faith to lean on... however at the time, I could not recognize how God would allow such a terrible thing to happen.  "WHY GOD?", was on my lips every single day with no answer.

At the very beginning, I was able to focus on my children and take one step in front of the other.  The initial few days my goal wasn't day by day, but sometimes hour by hour.  The feelings of betrayal and abandonment were debilitating.  After a while it was day by day, then week by week.  I distinctly remember the psalm and song "Thy Word is a Lamp Unto My Feet" which was on an auto loop in my head.  Every day, in the beginning of my new world, the image of being in pitch blackness all around me with a single lantern in my hand that gave me just enough light to take the next step was all I could picture.  As the weeks, then months, then years rolled by, the light expanded and I was able to see more and more of the life around me.

Another saving grace was, of all things, a secular song "Home" by Phillip Phillips, the American Idol winner.  I was deep in fear of being single at my age with children, and one with a disability.  I couldn't wrap my head around who could ever love me and would want to take me on. I felt used and damaged.  This song touched my heart when I heard it on the American Idol finale, so much so I downloaded it.  Why?  What is so special about it?  I was singing it and enjoying the song when I heard in my head a message I believe was from God  "Listen to this... THIS is now your home.... settle down, I am with you, you are not alone!"   The lyrics:

Hold on, to me as we go

As we roll down this unfamiliar road

And although this wave is stringing us along

Just know you’re not alone

'Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear

Don't pay no mind to the demons

They fill you with fear

The trouble it might drag you down

If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone

'Cause I’m going to make this place your home

I am on the other side of this valley.  I luckily found my peace little by little over time.  I became grateful for my single life and could see my former married life through new opened eyes.  Something a dear friend Fran told me once on a different topic "Maybe this this isn't you losing something but rather being rescued from something".  Hmm, That is very profound!  The last few years have had LOTS of turmoil and have NOT been at all easy, however I have clung to my faith even when it felt so very far away, I was supported by my family and friends, my village ROCKS! and I chose JOY as much as I could.  I had every reason to crawl into a hole of anger and bitterness, but I don't like that place.  It is miserable.   Now, I have a new life that I wouldn't have thought possible all those years ago.  I am thankful everyday for being right where I am on my journey.  In the words of the Cursillo movement which means "Onward and upward",  Ultreya!