How many times can one start over? 10 times? 100 times? 1,000 time? Does it matter how many times we begin AGAIN? I guess it depends on who you ask, whether or not restarting is a sign of tenacity or flakiness. I am choosing to go with tenacity. I had a blog once upon a time when my daughter was born called DownRightFaith. It was my journey through the waters of being a mother to a child with Down syndrome. That was 12 years ago this week. Wow, can it really be that long ago?
At the time I was filled with worries and questions: How the world would accept her? Would I love her enough? Could I be good enough for her? How would I know what to do? How would this impact my sons? How would this impact my marriage? Why does she have DS? Why me? I cannot say that these questions were the "right" questions to ask, or if they were even sane, however they were the things that were in my head and my heart. My daughter was brand new to me and at this time 12 years ago I was in a swirl of uncertainty.
TWELVE YEARS AND THREE DAYS AGO, my daughter came into the world in a BIG HURRY! I woke up with contractions at 2am and she was born before 4am. By the time I made it to the hospital, my contractions were 1 minute apart and my mom and husband (and the late night hospital staff) were concerned that she would be born before we got to the hospital room. Nevertheless, we made it the bed and in a grand swirl of frantic activity, Sydney came into the world! Huzzah!!!
She was cleaned up, given and given to me to hold and nurse, then whisked away to the nursery to what I assume was to perform all the official stuff. Unfortunately, that was the last I saw of her for a while. Reports came back about oxygen levels being too low, multiple holes in her heart, pulmonary hypertension, etc. The reports just escalated each time; she was put in an oxygen bubble, then moved to the NICU level 1, then NICU Level II. Needless to say, my already hormonal and exhausted self was worried, scared and just wanted to see and hold my baby and know she would be ok! After I was fully taken care of and allowed to wander to the NICU, my heart sank to see my sweet baby girl in a bed with tubes, wires and lots of machines making a cacophony of noises. (including the machine that goes BING!) It is hard to describe that moment of seeing her like that. My knees practically buckled, I felt faint, and my heart squeezed and my stomach wrenched. It was like someone pulling my soul out through my chest.
Having said that, it was truly amazing to me that our new situation was quickly normalized and the fear dissipated. She was a tough girl and has been from the very beginning! After two weeks in the NICU, we were sent home with some oxygen tanks and we got on with our lives.
This was how life with Sydney started. It was a scary step into the unknown and has been an amazing roller coaster of a journey. I often describe her as "fiercely independent" and I have come to learn that she gets that from me. Apparently, I can be stubborn (what?), I prefer determined! So, having said that, I am determined to START AGAIN and see where this leads. Even if this is never read, I am starting again.... this time "FOR ME".
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